PA Minutes January 8, 2004

GRACE CHURCH SCHOOL

PARENTS ASSOCIATION MEETING MINUTES

JANUARY 8, 2004

The meeting was called to order at 8:37 a.m.

• CO-PRESIDENTS' REPORT

Camilla thanked the holiday shopping team.

• MARTHA HIRSCHMAN – STATE OF THE PA LOUNGE

A friendly reminder about the parents' lounge – it is not a student lounge. There are lollipops stuck between cushions, gum and we even found a dead mouse. We need to keep children out of the room and make sure homework is done in appropriate places. It is not supposed to be a hang-out for students, especially after school. It is point of entry for people visiting the school and we want it to look lovely and welcoming, and we don't want people to sit on gum. Babysitters and caregivers are congregating in there and bringing in the children, too.

• GEORGE DAVISON – STATE OF THE SCHOOL

Mr. Davison weighed in on the P.A. Lounge also. He mentioned that there will be three babysitters and two kids and a set of snacks, especially in the time between pick ups. He said you can feed kids on the bench outside the music room or in the lobby by the orange door. The linoleum floor there is easy to mop. Caregivers and young children can wait in the nooks by the entrance. He said Grace struggles against the small mouse population in the winter. Down in the subway, the signs for the mice read: “eat at Grace”.

Mr. Davison said that the period from Thanksgiving to Winter Break went beautifully. He said holiday shopping was a superb event. He said the gift giving policy worked fairly well this year; gifts were appropriate and very much from people's hearts, with lots of holiday cheer.

Mr. Davison said he hoped the email communications are getting smoother. He said the after-school course offerings will go home in paper form, because they want a written response. The parents will receive an email asking them to look for paper forms. The square dance invitation for February 12 th will also go in paper because the dance needs a hard-copy response also. Older siblings are invited to the square dancing.

Mr. Davison said that the windows in JK and K classrooms changed colors over break. GCS must now go through the bureau of daycare, since the school is separating from the church. Formerly, GCS was exempt. He said there is a new lead test, an X-ray test, which found that deep in the wood from these 140 year old windows, there was some lead. He said the kids were never in danger - unless they were related to termites - but nevertheless the school did remove all of the paint that might contain lead over the break and have had a clean bill of health since then. The classrooms all tested negative for lead. The windows will return to their battleship grey color over the next few weeks.

Mr. Davison said that regarding the JK, Sarah Adler is expecting and plans to be going on maternity leave after the long winter weekend in February. Ms. Adler's replacement, Sarah Bibb, will begin as Nancy's temporary replacement while Nancy goes on vacation to Southeast Asia. Ms. Bibb is a former teacher at the Episcopal School and spent the last six months being a temporary admissions officer at Ethical Culture.

Mr. Davison reminded the parents that GCS Sunday is coming – it's the last Sunday in January. He said that it is the day the church celebrates its relationship with the school in the eleven o'clock morning prayer service. The service will last about an hour, and the party afterwards will last a long time… The parents in the school who are also church families organize a special coffee hour. Lucy Nazro, head of St. Andrews Episcopal School in Austin, Texas, will speak about the relationship between Episcopal schools and faith. Mr. Davison encouraged people to come that day - especially to reassure members of the parish family that by separating from the church we are NOT turning our backs on the church. He said we are a community with lots of differences and lots of shared strength.

Finally, Mr. Davison said that this is high admissions season; this is when we start reading folders. He said that they will take the greatest care to evaluate each folder as it comes. He said they try to determine whether that child will be successful at this school. There will be more good candidates than there are seats.

• GUEST SPEAKER- CATHERINE STEINER ADAIR

Camilla introduced Ms. Adair as a renowed psychologist from Harvard.

Ms. Adair said it was a pleasure to return to GCS to meet with the parents. She said she would speak primarily about boys today, while weaving in the girl piece.

She began to asking the audience to free associate with her about the adjectives that comes up most often with respect to the phrase: “boys will be boys.” The parents responded with: “aggressive, physical, rough, mischevious, high energy, can't be trained, it's hopeless, loud, argumentative, rambunctious, stubborn, sports crazed.”

Ms. Adair said that this is the expectation, the normative behavior.

When a parent suggested “sensitivity” with respect to boys, Ms. Adair said that that's the disconnect that's the most painful part of being a boy – his sensitivity. It's in there, but it's not part of the expectation.

Looking over the list, she said that when you think about boy development, this is a hard list to live up to. She asked the mothers to think about if they had to find their feminine identity when people expected them to be loud, physical, rambunctious, and sports-obsessed, rather than people-obsessed. Ms. Adair said that depending on your family, these expectations can be reinforced or challenged.

Ms. Adair said that as a parent of boys, your job is to reclaim the boys' hearts: to explain that they're still a guy if they're connected to their feelings – if they cry, or if they're upset. She said she thinks that the biggest difference in terms of gender is that girls do not have to define their gender identity in a way that disconnects from their heart, from their relational self – at least all the way into fourth grade. She said we ask boys at a much younger age to encode their sense of gender. She said that if a boy does not have this “code” in place by third grade, he will be at a much higher risk for being a target of bullying.

Ms. Adair said that one of the best experiments to do with third and fourth graders is to take a baby, dress it in pink and walk around in the streets with it, and see what people say. And then take the same baby, dress it in blue and see what people say. When a boy in blue cries, people say: “he must be angry; he must be hungry; what a guy; a wailer.” She said the emotional condition most often attributed to boys is that they're mad. She said that if you take the same baby dressed in pink, and it cries, people say, “pick her up, pick her up.” She said if you dress the same baby in blue, people pick up its hands and say – “he'll be a great football player.” She said if you dress the baby in pink, people pick up the same hands and say – “what delicate hands.”

Ms. Adair said that boys learn that being a guy is not being “feminine, a sissy, emotional, or sensitive,” which she said is equated with weakness. She said boy identity is defined through “nots.” Not kind, not sensitive, etc. She said it reflects a very serious loss for boys. She said we require boys to disconnect form their emotional richness, from sharing that aspect of themselves. She said they're highly relational little creatures, but they have to master this poker face by third grade. They have to learn how not to show if they're a wreck, because they weren't chosen to be part of that group at recess, or because they had a bad night. She said boys have to hide their feelings about sadness and vulnerability – those wobbly feelings everyone feels. That's a huge task, requiring a lot of work and energy. Ms. Adair said it's so important to have circle time after recess to process what goes on in recess. She said that Rachel Simmons talked about the tyranny of Kind and Nice. The parallel negative gender requirement for boys, she said, is having to be cool at a much earlier age. Because it happens earlier, Ms. Adair thinks that is some of why we see rambunctious behaviour in boys. She said that the wiring in boys and girls is different, and that wiring is real. But she said that girls at age 4, 5, and 6 don't have to hide who they are. She said girls are invited to cross over to being a boy at that age, but boys aren't. She said that in the seventies there was a push towards encouraging boys to be more maternal, but our culture in general is not supportive of it.

Ms. Adair said that our culture says that the task of boys is to be independent, to separate from their mothers. But, she asked, what does this mean? She said it's not true; it's a theory, a cultural expectation. She said it supports a culture based on productivity; it begins training our boys at an early age to substitute relationships for performance. Questions such as who's the best soccer player, who's the faster – all these performance things boys get into and get hurt by, because only one person can win, only one can be the best – start very early. She said that when you talk to boys in 6 th grade, they start to wake up. They begin to ask: “how come when there's a couch, all the girls pile on on top of each other and are cozy and comfy with each other, and have three different names for each other, which are really nice? How come only one guy can get on the couch, hog the whole thing, and call the others names like ‘gay' if they try to get on?” Ms. Adair said that boys are required to be a certain way, which is actually not the truth of what they are.

Ms. Adair said that as mothers, you can develop that part of their personality at home, and reassure them that in just a few years, they'll be able to show that part, and that is will REALLY help them with girls! She said that the challenge is to teach your boys to deconstruct the messages in the culture. i.e. that being a guy is walking away from emotion, that it's forgetting birthdays. She said to think about Poppa Bear in the Berenstain Bears. He's clueless, rough, drives too fast, has a bad temper, and is late for family events. In short, he's a lout. She said this is the number one most popular series of bedtime stories for children. Momma Bear gets him in line, but he never changes. He just gets reprimanded. He's like an Archie Bunker for kids.

Ms. Adair said that to use T.S. Eliot's phrase, boys are “scooped out – hollowed out” of their ability to be men and have their masculinity defined in terms of their emotions. Girls will say, “she's my best friend because she is there for me.” She said if you ask boys what it means to be a best friend, they'll say, “he's cool, we like the same things, he understands my sense of humor.” She said that these are good and real bonds, but if parents are getting divorced, she asked if we thought boys are as likely to turn to their best friend and say, “I'm hurting.” She said the model of boy friendship is that they do stuff together, but hide their feelings, i.e. telling how hurt you are that he's hogging the video monitors. Ms. Adair asked: how do you stay connected to your best friend if he calls you a “sissy” or “weak” or “gay” because you say what you're feeling? How can you have authentic relationships, and be connected?

Ms Adair said to think about little boys on cartoons – when a boy is sad, you see them get angry. The message is: if you are sad, get mad. Ms. Adair saw a sea change in children's programmings in the 70's and 80's. She said that formerly, the good guys never killed in the name of goodness. She said the Ninja turtles held the balance between being martial artists and meditators. But, she said, if you look at the very first Ken doll, he looks like what boys today would call a wimp. He's not muscular. He does not have broad shoulders. Now he's on steroids. He's unrecognizable.

Ms. Adair said that girls are being told: be little, erase yourself, diet yourself away. The ideal image of beauty is one that 95 % of the population cannot have. When Ms. Adair was a psychologist at Andover 25 years ago, she said that the first girls to get anorexia were the girls who were highly educationally and economically advantaged. She said it was the same in Japan; the first girls to get anorexia there were the first ones to work in corporations – from aristocratic families, etc.

Likewise, Ms. Adair said that boys are told to become “hypermasculine.” She said that boys also get this notion that performance is the most important thing about who you are. She said girls have an inner life they can tap into; they can say, “my best friends love me, or my camp friends love me.” She said it's hard for boys to know the inside aspect of themselves. She said that's why it becomes so insanely important about what level you got to in your video game, or who gets chosen for a game at recess. But it teaches boys that what you do defines you.

She said that by 11 th and 12 th grade, boys begin to fall in love with poetry, with creative writing. She said they begin to start expressing themselves. But, she said, for boys for whom performance becomes important, you begin to see the early signs of grandiosity – I'm the best, etc.

Ms. Adair said that it's really important to never say anything bad about how you look in front of your daughter. [guilty laughter from audience – ‘oh well']. Ms. Adair said that the most radical and helpful thing you can do for your sons and daughters is never say anything disparaging about your body – and practice the radical act of self-acceptance, including ageing. She said there's pretty, there's style, there's self-expression, and then there's insanity. She said that 80% of women start every day with negative thoughts about themselves. This is not a happy way to start the day – your own little check in with what's wrong with your body.

Ms. Adair said that boys have their own version of a similar challenge, which is to hold onto not what they look like on the outside, but who they are on the inside. Traveling is a part of life today. But if you are a traveling Dad , she said that it is so important to call home daily - to show that even when you're away, you're still relationally responsible and connected. She said boys need to see Dad's be relationally responsive – remembering birthdays, even picking out gifts themselves. She said that not calling home when you're away says – you can emotionally disconnect. It says - out of sight, out of mind. Rather than – I carry you with me. I'm thinking about you. I miss you.

Ms. Adair shared a story about how her family was skating at her kids' school. Her son asked to stop skating because he said his feet were killing him. His father said, “stop it.” The son came up one more time, and the father said to keep going. When they finally get off, the father saw that he put the skates on the son's wrong feet. They felt awful, because they thought that if it had been their daughter, they'd have gone off the ice with her immediately. She said that's how the socializing works – “tough it up, disconnect with your pain, hide your knowledge about yourself, and what you really need. Suck it up.”

Ms. Adair said that these were the ordinary small traumatizing experiences of being a boy. She said that no father would say to his son, “my goal is to raise someone disconnected from their hearts.” But Ms. Adair said that it was the expectation.

Ms. Adair said that we know women suffer from depression etc, but that you see an equal amount of psychological distress in boys and men. She said boys and men mask their depression because to get help is sissy, weak, etc. And, they ask, who has time, by the way? So she sees a lot of self-medicating and avoidance behaviour, through sports obsession, through risk-taking behaviour (stealing, etc.), through drinking, through being consumed by work (which can be addictive). She said work will eat you alive no matter what you do, even if you're at home cleaning, unless you set boundaries. [audience got very quiet]. Risk taking behavior is one of the first things you can do when you're upset. She said that we see men without a lot of close friends they can call on, to whom they can be emotionally vulnerable. She said boys are watching this and saying, “is this what being a guy means?”

Ms. Adair said that we are the most powerful country in the world, but are 35 th in the world for women in positions of power. She said the Scandinavian countries, India, and third world countries are far ahead. The White House Project is about getting a woman elected president of this country. If you ask kids in high school – will there be a woman in the white house during your lifetime – they'll say no, not in my generation.

Ms. Adair concluded by mentioning a few key things we as parents can do which she said will make a difference to boy development. She said that when boys come home, they plug into video games of command and conquer – games that reinforce the worst of this. She said they unpack their day not by playing outside, but by plugging into video games. She said that up until sixth grade, boys used to come home and read and engage in creative play. She said that she is seeing much earlier, low levels of depression in boys who play video games than boys who don't. She said that video games do teach really good strategic thinking. But she said now boys don't even want playdates in the same house, they'd rather go home and play from computer to computer.

Ms. Adair said to give boys permission to have an inner life. She said to keep it alive at home. She said boys need approval. She said they also need help with emotional vocabulary. She recommended a picture book called Feelings by Aliki. She said that boys vocabulary need to be reinforced for developing an articulate way to describe their feelings. She said if you ask boys how they feel, they may say, “I don't know,” or “I'm fine.” She said not to let them push you away. She said to ask: are you sad, are you mad? Did something happen in school? She said the question “Who did you play with at recess today,” is a better question – more specific. Ms. Adair said that it is great for boys to have fathers speak about their emotional life – at the dinner table – “I was so upset today, I was so angry today.” Ms. Adair said that all parents have to act as if he has, and expect your son to have, an internal emotional life. She said that if a sibling is upset, you should make your son accountable to check in with him – tell him to “go and ask him if he's alright.” She said to teach him.

Ms. Adair said to recognize and accept the high activity level of children. She said to let them be physical. She said boys and girls really need to run laps and be in their bodies. She said that often it's when they're exhausted that they can get in touch with their feelings.

She said to talk to boys in their language. She said it's very important to honor and respect the virtues of masculinity. She said you can use the same language with girls – that they too can be leaders and assert themselves, etc. She said not to be resentful of these gender differences. Ms. Adair said that with boys sometimes the way to get to their emotional self is to do stuff with them – shoot hoops etc. She said that just doing stuff isn't enough – you have to take advantage of that time to get them to talk.

Ms. Adair said that it is not true at all that boys without men at home are most at risk. She said that the boys who are the most psychologically vulnerable are the ones with abusive, emotionally disconnected fathers. She said that when Dad's do stuff with them, the Dad's need to speak to their inner lives.

Mr. Adair said we have to redefine courage for boys. The Latin roots for courage speak to the heart, courage to act. She said courage means to stand up for somebody, to identify feelings. She said that the definition of manhood includes the emotional. She said to teach boys there's a range of what it means to be a man. She said to teach boys not to be afraid of the feminine aspects of themselves – completely separate from their sexual identity. She said gay bashing crosses over into this – and gives the message, I can't be upset, or they'll call me gay.

A parent asked, “what if a boy DOES cry a lot and is already sensitive?”

Ms. Adair said you can explain all this to them. She said you can tell them that it's very brave and courageous to hold onto your sensitivity. She said you can tell them that they'll take grief for it, but that in the long run, it will serve them well because they won't be as cut off from themselves as some of the other guys. She said you can tell them the cost will be social. She said that just as for a girl who doesn't want to be a girly girl, there's a cost. Ms. Adair said to say: I love who you are, there are strengths to who you are, and as you get older, people won't ridicule you as much for who you are. She said you can teach boys coping skills. She said to know that at home, who a boy really is can flourish. She said to use your extended family to support him and love him up outside the school.

Ms. Adair said that the sway of the culture is very powerful. She said fourth grade is now when parents lose control – it used to be 7 th grade. She said parents can certainly limit the amount of time on video games and tv watching, especially during the school week. In 3 rd , 4 th and 5 th grade, she said to make sure you let the kids know you're the boss, ie. about what movies they watch. She said the parents' job is to set limits, and the childrens' job is to complain about it, and say, “you're ruining my life.” She said to tell the children: the longer I can protect you from things I think are really not good, not healthy, the better. She said to hold the line as long as you can.

A parent talked about how over the winter vacation she seemed to have her “kid back.” Ms. Adair said that kids do regress during vacations: she said they get clingier; they sleep more; they unwind; and they're not as preoccupied.

• AUCTION – ROBIN CANTER, TARA LIDDLE, ROSE MCSWEEN

Robin Canter announced that the theme for the auction this year is Jazz Age New York, the Roaring Twenties. She said that the auction committee meets every Wednesday at 8:30. She said they need help the day of the auction, and also with the clean-up committee. She welcomed everyone to stop in at the Wednesday meeting. She said every pair of hands is welcome. She also said that donations were welcome. She said to bring the stuff to the P.A. Lounge with completed donation forms – they really help everyone doing the work of getting it into catalogue form. She said to donate, volunteer, and come and have fun.

• MAYFAIR – JOHN COOPER AND MARISA KING

Jo Shane Cooper said the Mayfair committee wanted to thank everyone who showed up yesterday and donated and helped sort. She said not to forget the next collection date in February. She reminded parents they can only bring things down on a Haul It Day.

“BOX TOP$ FOR EDUCATION” – PUT IN LAVENDER BOX IN P.A. LOUNGE

Caroline Antonacci asked everyone to please continue to clip box tops. She said to put them in a lavender box downstairs in the P.A. lounge. She said that the school can earn up to $20,000 in cash that goes straight to George Davison, to be used at his discretion.. She said that for instance, Cheerios, Progresso, Green Giant, and Pillsbury baking products all have these box tops. She said each box top earns ten cents a piece. She said they say: “Box Top$ for Education.” She said that when she gets enough, she mails them in, and George gets checks. She asked everyone to get your mother, your neighbors, your kids to collect them.

UPCOMING PA EVENTS:

FOOD FORUM WITH ANSTICE CARROLL

1/21 8:30 AM, DINING ROOM. If you want to attend the food forum, you must come to lunch first.

USED UNIFORM SALE: DROP OFF January 28 from 8-10 A.M. and 2-4 P.M. in ROOM 111. The Sale is on January 29 th .

NEXT P.A. MEETING TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 10, 8:30 A.M.

The meeting was adjourned at 10: 10 a.m.

Respectfully submitted,

Caroline Coleman O'Neill

Co-secretary